After the weight of a busy busy to do list over the past couple of weeks, here is a to do list of fun things for the summer that will be more relaxing than taxing:
Go to the
beach!
movies!
Hollywood Bowl!
desert!
forest!
Aunties and Uncles!
Make
a blanket!
wind chimes!
songs with dances!
mango sticky rice!
Read
poems!
novels!
my bookshelves!
You know what? I'm on my lunch break, and someone just brought hella cookies to the coffee break area. I just had a
My to-do list took over my life the past couple of weeks. That's okay... productivity is one of the best things ever. Sorry, friends, for the radio silence, and thanks for checking back in!
I feel I'm full of paradoxes. I'm a herd of paradoxen
wondering when I'll find the phlox in bloom.
Do oxen eat phlox in the meadow? Is that my lotion smudge on the window?
I feel the paradoxes like this:
Cold sweats. I googled today, "feeling hot and cold at the same time." Cold sweats. duh. I'm like, sick again, or something. Working really hard makes me feel calm and peaceful, then I'm like whoa, then I feel good that I did work. First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is.
Rapid cycling. Avid recycling. Bananas. High-heels and tarmac: hiking. An inkling of focus, a crinkling of locusts. Not locusts, crickets. A bike walking: it's crickets. Blinking, thinking, sinking. Winking. Wink wink! But at least I'm not drinking. Bring it on home, Amy, Wake up Alone: "stay up clean house, at least I'm not drinking. Run around just so i don't have to think about thinking... "
No, but for real, I decided--happy hours everywhere and not a drop for me to drink. I notice that even one glass of wine has me low the next day. Lord knows I have no reason to despair! With all my blessings, there is no fathomable place that can come from but from toxins that wear my body out too much. I can't even have a cookie without getting way too hyper then crashing an hour later. You'd think, with the amount of health articles I read, I would have some really specific terms for this. All I can say is, it just seems like every other time I eat something, I start to feel weird. "All I can say." Ha. Who am I kidding? I always have more to say!
On the last day of class, the teacher brought grapes, and I felt like I got a wild look in my eye as soon as I ate three. Outbursts, trying to contain myself. Those times, it's easy--I've got the smile that will make them forgive me!
I am blessed with being self-aware in this regard, but the flip side is that I feel paranoid whenever I start to get hyper or low, I wonder, what did I eat to make me feel like this?? I also stopped drinking coffee...
My hope is that without coffee, alcohol, or sugar, and with minimal carbohydrates and maximal vegetables, I will feel better. It pretty much has worked until I started feeling sick on Friday. That is probably stress related though.
Oh wait, are you not my doctor? Why am I telling you this? Beats me! What I'm trying to say is that I'm fine, but I've had some spells today. That usually happens when I get sick--the little things build up more quickly, and I have less cushion of whatever it is that keeps things from getting to me. What do we call that cushion? My brain isn't working. I woke up in fog.
Moving right along. Nah, for real, I'm sharing because this is the overwhelming question of my life. How can I even out without some kind of medication?
I'm pretty sure the answer is lots of walks, and even more Beyonce. Tell me if this doesn't make you feel better:
I wish pop music could solve all my problems. Actually, now that I think about it, what situations' resulting moods aren't improved by a little pop music? I'm going to sleep on that one, and let you know what I come up with.
I'm sure you're all dying to read that post, but I have something even more exciting to share with you in the near term. I plan to recite some of my poems to my computer's webcam and post them on my YouTube channel.
The trouble with poetry is (this could also be its own post--or series of posts--troubles of forms, of genres, etc). Ahem. Sorry. The trouble I've had with poetry is that it's hard to get people to read a poem. But people like watching YouTube videos!
"Because you, you're the one I need, you're the only one I see... Come on baby it's you-ooo!"
Warning: I feel a rant coming on. I really hate when people say "ignorance is bliss." I'm like wtf is wrong with you? That's how people get really sick. To achieve health and avoid toxins, knowledge is power.
In what situations is ignorance blissful? The definition of bliss is "extreme happiness; ecstasy." I get that bliss is a temporary state, and maybe it would be nice to not know the saturated fat content in a piece of cake, but is that bliss? Ignorance allows for bliss? Which then makes you feel like anchor about an hour later?
Anyway... I'm frustrated with myself for only now going to the Environmental Working Group's site, Skin Deep, which rates personal care products' toxicity levels. Turns out my "nail growth treatment" is more like a cancer growth treatment. It's going to be a trashcan-growth treatment now! I can't believe I didn't think to check on what those chemicals did. Oh well. Now I know better.
Right now I'm thinking, to hell with beauty products but I know I will find some good organic products eventually... Good thing I haven't been wearing much makeup lately--it was 100 degrees for the last week, so I drank about two gallons of water a day, and my skin cleared right up. Today it is cooler, and in the evening, I think Ryan and I will take a long walk.
I walked to Rubio's for lunch and am eating a veggie burrito, which I like, but I forgot to specify no sour cream, and no cheese. It's hard avoiding toxins.
Luna and Sola in a rare moment of cuddling. Too cute not to share! And a love song to accompany the photograph:
I heard this song on the radio--KCRW I think--and the Shazam app notification just reminded me about it... something about it was news... whatever that means!
This week has been a little intense for me. Nothing weird happened--but my brain chemicals are adjusting to hormones or something, and then when I listened to this Sam Smith song on the way to work this morning, I actually got really teary. Like, it's so sweet.
And then I pictured playing it at my wedding, and thought about how beautiful love is... and how much more is possible with good friends because TEAMWORK RULES.
I have so much love and faith in humanity in my heart.
Also, I had two different salads for dinner last night, and when I woke up, I felt amazing. Like I can do anything! Salad One (starring heirloom tomatoes, basil, greens, and kale) had a standard balsamic vinaigrette, while Salad Two (starring red cabbage and carrots) was, well, fancy cole slaw.
Did you know that red cabbage is amazing for the brain? It's probably amazing for everything. Skin, eyes, energy... I love cabbage.
Hey, by the way... while I've got your attention here, since I'm sharing my favorite song of the week--let me know about your favorite song(s) of the week, please.
This weekend is going to be terrific. Tomorrow morning, Ryan and I are going to check out an apartment together, then go to Izzy's birthday party, then go to his friend's birthday dinner. On Sunday, I will probably make granola, and something with beads!
Today at work I took the DISC workshop, which identifies default behavior patterns in people. DISC is an acronym for Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness, which are drawn in quadrants. While all people have qualities in each quadrant at some point or another, generally, people have strengths that fall in just one or two.
I just pulled this little image off the internet. My star (adapted style--what I try to be, for others) and my circle (my natural style) are both on the bottom, in the middle, in section #17. My traits are oriented within Steadiness and Influence.
Steadiness means I value stability, predictability, thoughtfulness, listening, a moderate pace, systematic work, cooperation, and sincerity. The limitations are that I can be overly willing to give, putting my needs last, and can seem indecisive when I need to take some time to figure something out. Per the workshop, when I'm stressed or in the middle of a conflict, my go-to reaction is to comply, because what I want more than anything is harmony. If I can't do that or it isn't working, my next default is to avoid--but then it just simmers and I can explode.
Influence as a trait emphasizes sociability, and I scored nearly as high here as I did in Steadiness. Influence means shaping the environment by persuading others. I like to be involved with other people, and make a favorable impression, with charm and enthusiasm. I love social recognition, and am afraid of rejection, losing influence, and being blamed. I can be impulsive, disorganized, and lack follow-through. But I am optimistic! Having a tendency toward Influence means that in situations of stress or conflict, I need to express myself and gain acknowledgment. I need to be heard. But I hate conflict, so my secondary reaction is to comply, or accommodate.
While steadiness is dominant, I really think my conflict style comes out more in the Influence quadrant. I am really trying to express myself when something doesn't feel right, rather than try to avoid it or go with what someone else wants.
Overall, this was a useful workshop, and I'm glad to have spent my morning there, learning about types of human behavior, and the needs and patterns that accompany those styles.
I also looked at this chart and wondered about my relationship. I think Ryan is more C/D than I am. He is very goal-oriented, likes to be challenged, and asks tons of questions, wanting facts. He analyzes, he moves quickly, and he's all about deadlines. Opposites do attract!
I felt very quiet at lunch time, like I had to make a lot of room in my head to lay this all out for myself and let it sink in. I think as time goes on, I'll be able to use this information to help me better see the world through other people's eyes, and adapt my communication style to meet their needs.
The lenses are so thick that my legs, in my lower peripheral vision, just scared the crap out of me. I vow to become better coordinated before going downstairs! The walk upstairs tripped me out. Whoaaaa I'm at the top now? Freaky.
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