a.b.c.d.e.f.g.h.

My heart swells through the universe: energy, stillness, ordering the nonlinear--

What if I'm not who I think I am? If I table concerns, repress my thoughts, over-manage my voice, never come back? Have I deleted the most ridiculous questions? I try to drop them but can't shock away the static cling.  I shake and they adhere. That's anxiety.

Kay Ryan writes of rivers as ribbons. I zoom in and step into the water's edge, an expanse of blue grey, a cloudy day. The wet sand braiding, the boats sailing, the fretting dissipating when the clouds roll back and expose the moon. The breath out in a long whooooo. I feel my man's smile. That's beauty.

Alphabetizing for order when the hugs are happy, the cats are well-fed, and the kitchen is clean. When this life, today, is treasure without tragedy. Don't take it all so seriously! Relax and just be silly. I can't stop laughing, lady! Disruption amid peace and happiness can be a portrait of comedy.

Dilute the stress with three parts water... This is the paragraph I do not write. This is the dream I do not remember. This is the curtain hiding broken windows, throes of woes, knots, blows--none of that anymore. Just watch where you step on the floor. Wake me up later. I'm not afraid of the dark. I have been into the dark. Just trust me. Just let me avoid the darkness.

Euphoria means everything connects no spaces graces taking places with no structure needed no orders heeded all ideas have seeded and are growing without rows and overgrowing overflowing all of us knowing the fleeting beating of the rush before the crush and gush of beauty connection trust perfection even illusion profusion enchantments charges forces barging in of course the source is euphoria.

Please don't say anymore. If I could only just sit down. Let me see if I have one. Can you wait? Let me rest a minute. Is there water? How long until the quiet? Would you tell me the words? Please say it. I can't take another second. I can't look. Maybe later. Please leave me. It's just this fragility.

Thank you for calling my name. I appreciate the honesty. I respect the need for stability. I trust this will work beautifully. Thank you for letting me and for forgiving me. Thank you rivers braiding, thank you, sunlight fading. Thank you for pointing out confusion, though answers still evade me, curtained by delusions. I'm grateful even for platitudes. Yes, happiness is gratitude. 

Thank you for listening, for the opportunity. It's an honor to have you visiting. Yours, with humility,

nonsensicalifornia

P.S.--

i.j.k.l.m.n.o.p.

Sayings for Cats, Part 2

She is jumping off my lap--
She is playing with her toys--
She is standing on the vanity, tagging the water from the faucet--

Hey! You're cute...
Did you know that you're so cute?
What are the challenges of being so cute?
Is it fun to be so cute?

What kind of cat stuff are you going to do today?
Are you busy?
Did you finish your homework?
Do you have to go now?
Did they cancel your meeting?

Are you too busy?
Are you busy doing cat stuff?
Did you finish your project?
How is it?

Did you eat your foods?
Do you like it?

Did you solve all the problems?
Did you tell her your secrets?
What's next for you, kitty?

Where's your toy?
Where is it?
Did you chase it?
Did you get it?
Where's the laser?
Where's your sister?

I love you, Baby Luna.
I love you, Baby Sola.
I love you, Baby Stella.

coffee, glossary, napkin

In the Wednesday class, the professor brought coffee for the class. Wow, grad school, this is great!

We are also doing a "collaborative glossary" which I think is the best idea I've ever heard. I love this and it makes me excited about doing my job, which gets down to how wonderful teaching and learning are, and which is also going pretty well today--thanks for asking.  But it's a short lunch hour and I'll be diving back into it now.

Ryan showed me math formulas on a napkin and I loved that too, while I finished the chinese chicken salad. That was a good moment today.

I think today's song is "Patron Saint" for good singing along in the head moments:

New Semester, Day 1

I feel pretty embarrassed when I think about the class I just left. Sort of foolish, like I had a shameful number of questions. The professor was awesome and patient... but I will be learning a lot this Fall.

I might not see you as often over the coming months, Nonsensicalifornia, but I'll check in when I can.

Much love,
Katie

Satie

Cloudy morning and happy afternoon backdropped by Satie

seriousness vs silliness

Have you ever gotten to the point where everything feels cheesy? When I look back on my older writing, it seems lame, ridiculous, somehow diluted--missing a spark of reality, clarity. '

(Looking back on my teenager poems, I see Shel Silverstein, e. e., Cummings, nursery rhymes, and Emily.)

Or maybe it's my usual mock naivete--a guise to surprise--to suggest we don't need to be taking this all so seriously.

It's no wonder, though, if I'm subverting reality, amplifying the silly, and transmuting clarity into hilarity. Or mystery. Isn't this life a mystery?

My voice is controlled. I'll maintain privacy and decorum on the internet for obvious reasons.  Is truth lost behind the curtain? I will hint and suggest the uncertain.

Maybe some images resonate.

A caricature of myself
inflating and distorting
clarity into absurdity
the serious and the silly into
nonsensicalifornia

In California, I think seriousness will win. But in nonsensicalifornia, there's no telling.

Sometimes I still wish I were Emily Dickinson.

Oh hey guess what. Classes 5 & 6 (out of 10) of my grad school program start next week. I am super excited and happy--just thrilled about the reading list. Lots of Virginia Woolf and thinking about rhetoric. More on that later!

fractions and factors

a piece representing
the entirety
a distortion
proportioned

in mathematical
precision

envision
revision

make another decision

focus
execute
shift gears
repeat

daze of the weak

In college, I got the stomach flu so bad, I fainted. I've fainted maybe 12 or 15 times in my life.

The first time I passed out, I was a kid--6 or 7. My ears had been pierced weeks earlier, and we were putting in new earrings for the first time.

I fainted in my bedroom, the kitchen, dorm rooms, hallways, a hookah bar. The worst time, I was driving on a Sunday afternoon. I could feel it coming on as I approached the red light. My vision was blacking out. I became very frightened, alerted the person with me, and managed to pull over.

The last time was another flu, last winter. When I came to, my cat, Luna, was lying on my stomach. That time I didn't worry. They'd checked my brain back in 2009 (EEG, MRI) and determined that I am A-OK. Just sensitive. Just gotta manage stress and watch my blood sugar.

"Do you have any other advice... like, should I try to.... eat more blueberries, or something?" I asked the neurologist.

"No, everything looks normal," he said.

The common factor among my swooning spells is a sinister combination of high stress and low blood sugar. I know this, so I can advise myself. Carry snacks. Take deep breaths. Have a walk. Laugh, talk.

But last night I felt dizzy and weak, faint and nauseous (hence last night's message of health). But I followed my advice! I took a sick day today. Just rest. Rest it away.

I'm amazed, though, at combinations of mental/emotional strength and physically frailty. The heart rises in its own way. Sometime you don't need to lift it, it will just rise.

Rise to the occasion, rise to the challenge

--thrive--you're alive--

think positive--

rise--

before you know it, you're afloat again. the color back in your face, the air again easy, the heart steady

maybe the waves of these waters are nonsense--nonsensicalifornia you just float along nonsense waters--but maybe this flows from seas of strength

strength in nonsense? if this were so serious, would you come back? does the silliness temper anxiety attacks? does a little wordplay help you forget what you lack?

seas of strength lie within me

i know it; the oars know it

draw deep on the well

pour strength and share it

"Know your power," someone strong told me.

Find your strength. Declare it.

waves in the water

singing singing
the only way

why the blue
why gray

heroic volume
sonorous
call

cases today broke my heart
stories to teach

the weight

barely get up
have some more

it's okay
we solve problems

but take care
be careful
be healthy

what does it take

sing sing it away
sing to keep the waves at bay

sing it out
work it out
watch out
don't let it put the fire out

Cambria, CA

Ryan and I drove up to Cambria last weekend to meet my parents and Violet, who drove down. It was wonderful!  

We saw Hearst Castle, walked along the beach, ate good food, strolled through downtown, visited the yarn store (my favorite stop of any trip, always), saw elephant seals (whoa), and walked through the gardens on the lodge's grounds.  

It was so so lovely to see my family. We played lots of word games!

Mama and Papa at Hearst Castle

Ryan and Violet at Hearst Castle

Met at the yarn store

Nitwit Ridge

Roots Radicals

Shout out to the Campbell punk scene of the 90's and early 00's!

Maybe I realized when I was 13 but forgot (since I haven't done algebra in hella forever) but did you realize that Roots Radicals is a math analogy?  Did you remember that radical means "square root sign"?  Uh, yeah, duh, you say. Okay okay!

I forgot about that. Radicals, squares, hometown roots I share with Rancid--Berkeley and Campbell (with love to Washington state as the land of my grandfather). You were always a part of me.

I'll never be as punk rock as you, but I've got my street cred--don't doubt it. If you can hear me whisper, I'll tell you all about it. No I won't.

I was thinking of my roots, thinking of the radical... thinking of the blunt, the dark, the wild, bad, subversive; how now I'm all offices, letters, health, school, the discursive...

My paws trample in the snow the alphabet. I stand on my head, watch it all go away.

("Junkie  Man"...And Out Come the Wolves)

Campbell, California, I will love you forever.

Berkeley, you are my lizard brain.

Charges

Be creative

Address your flaws
Embrace change
Follow the laws
Ask questions
Keep 'em close

Evaluate, analyze,
comprehend, know;
Know when to stop;
know when to go;
go with the flow;
ferment; grow

Remember gratitude;
mind your attitude.
Challenge; reflect;
Shape your part;
think what needs doing
and do that, for a start.

Zephyr

Which way does the West Wind blow?
Are you named for where you come from
or known for where you go?

Do you sometimes gets stuck?
It's okay. I know.
What unsticks you? How does that go?

Can we scale it?
The scales sail it
(suddenly reptilian cloths
sail ships up rivers
backdropped by that f# minor
scaling piano keys
the flow that plants the seeds
down the mountain)

Which way does the East wind blow?
Do you pin yourself down
or go with the flow?

Do you sometimes gets stuck?
It's okay. I know.
Sometimes it helps to bring out the row

The oars, the push
the chores, the rush,
the floors, the brush
the chords, the gush
of my heart
over scales
arms wrapped tight around my torso
against the wind scaling

The winds of beginnings--
which way do they blow?

It's okay. I know.

Being a Woman in the World, Part 2

I wonder if these people mean to be inflammatory.  I don't think so. Basically, a news show host suggested that women should serve their men more, because it's just "kindness."  Yes, it is kind and right to take care of each other in a way that comes from the heart out of love.  We don't need gender roles and stereotypes as guidelines to be kind. We can all be kind and look out for each other. It doesn't have to do with gender.

I'm probably preaching to the choir, but I'll just point out that this perspective supports heteronormativity in a pretty annoying way. It's just insensitive to marginalize people like that.  I mean, if we played out this advice, we might ask, what about women attracted to women? Should they make men a sandwich?  Should gay men want women to bring them a beer? No, because being so prescriptive is illogical, and again, this doesn't have to do with gender.  

As adults, we are smart enough to listen to our loved ones and come to understand how to be supportive, helpful, and kind in our own unique situations.  I don't need the Suggestions of Patriarchy. We can figure this out.

These ideas that come down to "How to treat a man" could be better written in the 21st century as "how to be a thoughtful person."  The 21st century version might suggest that everyone make sandwiches for each other!

I'm thinking about how a waiter, a man my age, recently called me "honey" and "dear."  Would he treat a man the same way? No, he doesn't call the men "honey."  I'll only let you off the hook for calling me honey if 1) you are my boyfriend 2) you are my parent/aunt/grandparent, or 3) you look older than 60, in which case, I may not like it, but I forgive you (I assume it's a generational thing).

Being treated differently is not an honor.  Having a different set of expectations in place for me because I'm a woman--being judged differently--it doesn't feel fun and cute.  For further exploration, another day: let's dive into why both of my most riled up gender/feminism posts are related to food.

Okay--how about something a little peppier now to start the day?

calculator, calendar, calendula

Reminders missed... organize by tagging lists?

In California, calendula 

(

 )

calculates its time in the sun

calendars the day it will be done

planting seeds

in nonsensicalifornia

On another note, listen to this beautiful amazing child--

yellow basket

A tisket a tasket

I dropped my yellow basket

Tell me when you’ll drop the grayness of clouds

Tell me when you’ll make the rain fall down

Tell me when

the winds will spin up

rainbows and sunshine

through inconsistent rain--

I'll forget the quarries

won’t think about the depth

of rock--many rock

caverns

chasms

cliffs

A tisket, a tasket

I love my yellow basket

I dropped it--

I dropped it--

Don’t know what I’ll do.

(shout out to Ella Fitzgerald and nineteenth century nursery rhymes, with love and respect)

 

Advice to Myself

Work, rest, and rise. Smile and breathe. Eyes
must close sometimes while watching skies.
Reopen, laugh, join everything,
close to rest--let dreaming ring.
The eyes would like a good disguise.

No extremes endure or suffice.
The spirit of loneliness lies.
Love your acts, perform well, and sing.
Work, rest, and rise.

When intensities pull out your cries,
make something. Make apricot pies.
Create some good, create a spring,
know the texture of apron strings,
use and love your changing thighs.
Work, rest, and rise.