War Cry

Oh oh and another fave song this year--

So You Know

Shamir is in my head today.  I am loving this beat for my post-lunch-break, shoulder-dancing work groove (oh but explicit content warning if you car)e.

I'm so excited to see my family this week!  

Merry, merry Christmas!
Katie

A happy day. An A.

I have to brag--I have to say: I got an A!

This latest class I took, Studies in Dramatic Literature, was tricky for me to balance with work and my cats and my health/life/man. I'm sure you knew that already by my silence lately punctuated by posts saying essentially that.

I thought it would be a B because there are really two levels of an A, and I wasn't sure I got either. Level 1 is exceptionality. Not only doing the work and showing up on time, but also absorbing the content deeply. Some literature demands lots of time, and I didn't have that this semester, but I guess my best was enough. Again.

It's nice to feel recognized for hard work.

Predictive text thought I was trying to type hard worm? Haha sill.

This morning a radio story made me tear up with the happiness of the holiday spirit:

http://www.npr.org/2014/12/19/371647099/norads-santa-tracker-began-with-a-typo-and-a-good-sport

Cat Mama Phrases

Things I say to the cats:

Cats!
I wish I had a cuddle cat.
Kitty kitty?
Cuuuuuute CUTE!
Treats!
Do you wanna play?
LaserCats?
I love you, my cat.
Hey, Funny.
Hey baby Cute Cute.
You sill.
Is that cozy? Do you like it?
Do you want your foods?
Treats!
Fresh water?
No cats on the table! Get down. Down. Get down.
Stop it.
Girls! Knock it off.
Heyyyy leave her alone!
Cool it. Cool it down.
Be nice to your sister.
Cuddle cuddle cute cute.
Are you mad? It's OK.
No, you have to stay inside.
I know, honey.
Come here.
No baby don't go in there.
Where's your toy?
Where's Mousy?

These are some sayings for cats.

Nerds Ropes Real Quick

Latest lunch break ever! And I'm getting back to work in a sec but real quick:

They did not carry Nerd Ropes at the candy store called Rocket Fizz, which surprised me. It is the best candy ever!

That is all for now.

Dream of the Dead

Here is one of my favorite pictures of all time. My sister Rachel, my cousin Alex, and Rachel's daughter, Violet in 2008, though I don't know the exact date. 

Day of the Dead--Dia de los Muertos--began on Saturday and ended on Sunday. 

On Saturday night, I dreamed that I was to show Rachel her tombstone. She and I walked through the cemetery where she is buried, and I took her to her grave site. In the past, when I've dreamed of her, she's been alive in my dreams.  This was the first time that, in my dream, she was dead, but she was there walking with me.

Then I was alone.  I walked over to these raised garden beds about twenty feet away, which had overgrown broccoli which had been cut back. Imagine about ten broccoli stalks without florets or blooms, three feet long, inches thick, horizontal, with roots exposed. (Can you imagine this? I will include a picture of a broccoli plant too, below, just in case) but in my dream, my task was to tear them apart. I was peeling the fibrous stalks. If i could break them down, they could be back in the earth faster, composting, nutrients for future plants. That was the point.

That was my dream.

Here are the pictures:

I pulled this broccoli off a google search, from here.

I hope we meet again soon.

Being a Woman in the World, Part I

I put "Part I" in the title of this post, because I imagine this will be a series of anecdotes. Here are a couple tales of accidental insults for this first part.

Careful with Knives

October 3: I started the month off with some severe back pain (slipped disc, pinched nerve, muscle spasms, etc.) but was finally well enough to go out!  My parents were in town to see Kings of Leon, and they invited me and Ryan to go out with them. We ate at Public Kitchen, a very good restaurant at the Hotel Roosevelt.  The food was great, and the concert was terrific fun, but I have to skip the lovely family moments and talk about our waiter.

I generally have not been one to eat a ton of red meat, but I ordered a hamburger.  For some reason, it came with a steak knife. My father's dinner did too.  When the waiter handed a steak knife to me, he said, "Be careful with this," which was a red flag, so I watched his next move closely (I could see the other knife on the tray). When he handed a knife to my father, he said, "This is for self-defense."  I know the intent was to be cute or something, but I had to call him out on it.

I think I said something like, "The feminist in me has to point out that you told me to be careful and told my dad that it's for self-defense. We will both be careful and defend ourselves as necessary." My mom said, "Good job, Katie."

He actually made another inappropriate comment after that. I ate a lot of my hamburger (not all of it though). He told me as he cleared the plate that he was surprised by that, because I'm "such a little girl." His tone made it sound like a compliment, but I found it completely weird. Yes, I'm thin, but I'm also tall and also in my late 20's.

I hope he realizes some day that treating someone like a child is not a compliment.

What are you studying?

October 31: I was at a conference for work and had a room reserved so that I could film people somewhere quiet. Abbie and I were working together in there, but it was slow for a little while so I stepped out for a minute. When I came back, a man was in the room and Abbie was explaining what we were doing. The man, an instructor, took mild interest in this.

He then asked if we were students. I said, "I am." He asked, "What are you studying? Besides boys." Abbie jumped in and pointed out, politely, that it wasn't a fair assumption. I wanted to say, "That was offensive," but wondered if that was the best idea, since I was working. He pointed out that my face turned bright red. I finally said, "The feminist in me felt a bit riled up by that." He apologized and said, "My daughter's friend was just telling me she was just in school to meet boys...you know... MRS degree?" chuckles. "Boys are stupid." And Abbie again: "Well that wasn't very nice either."  He apologized, and I apologized for making him uncomfortable, and finally he left.  Thank God for Abbie in that moment.

The Feminist in Me

Abbie pointed out to me that I had nothing to apologize for, and I shouldn't do that. I already had enormous respect for her, but her quick wit and good sense in this scenario made me respect her even more.

Why did I feel like I needed to apologize to these people? To avoid conflict? To show that something so minor wasn't really upsetting me?  In these scenarios I've shared, I've not been hurt, but that is partly due to the fact that I've been really used to it. When I was a teenager, I didn't feel insulted when I was treated like a child, because I didn't feel entirely like a grown-up yet anyway.  Of course I noticed that I was treated differently than men sometimes, but I didn't really pay attention, so it didn't bother me.

Now it bothers me, and I'm still figuring out the best way to address these occurrences as they arise. You probably realized that I used language to distance myself from the situation--"The feminist in me feels..." instead of "I expect to be treated equally to men." I need to stop doing that too. I need to be more direct.

This is all a work in progress.

I took a "comp day" today--a day off since I worked at the conference on Saturday. I needed this day off. I voted. Got a smog check. Renewed my car registration. Got a haircut, a car wash, went to Target... and finally checked in with you all in Nonsensicalifornia.

My Back, my Breakfast

Yesterday, in the morning, I sneezed and threw my back out.

I had it adjusted, and I've been icing it, but the thought of sitting in a chair all day is scaring me.

This happened in January too. No major lifting, but some disc slipped and pinched a nerve. I had to miss work. I really don't want to miss more. I have a lot to do. And it is a good place to be.

The cats are running around. I'm thinking of my morning question: granola or toast?

I am SO EXCITED for Saturday, since my parents will be in town and we will eat breakfast together (speaking of breakfast)!

Yessssssss.

K

Radio Silence, and the end of September

Radio waves
hello goodbye
waves crash
radio laugh
hello goodbye
radio cry

radio silence
off or volume down
nothing to broadcast
nothing in the evening
radio sleeping
not touching the dial

There are times in my life--and I've been faced with by this lately--when I cannot listen to the radio in the car--or to music, audiobooks, or anything.  My mind needs quiet. Certainly yours does too.

I read a biology article a few weeks ago called, "This is Your Brain on Silence."  It says that "two hours of silence per day prompted cell development in the hippocampus region of the brain" (Daniel A. Gross). This part of the brain helps turn your short-term memory into long-term memory.

I haven't been cultivating quiet time in my life because of that article, but reading it helped me feel better about my brief inability to soak up anything else.  I suppose I was feeling overstimulated, or that I, as a sponge, was full. I had to accelerate, had to change momentum, to step up into Fall mode (very busy! homework!) from Summer mode (you know).

I think that changed this weekend.  I had fun! Also, I don't think I went to bed any later than 9:30 for the past few days. Ahhhhhhhh.

On Friday, Ryan and I saw Chickspeare, and we loved it!  We also watched the new episodes of Scandal and Modern Family.  On Saturday I met my dear friend Rachel for breakfast, which was soooo good since I hadn't seen her since she moved to Florida in early 2013.  I cleaned my house, bought groceries, made enchiladas.... tasks all very overdue! On Sunday, Ryan and I saw The Importance of Being Earnest--loved it. I'd read it a couple times, but had never seen it. I was so happy that I could do that.

AND on Thursday my class is seeing a play by Samuel Beckett, so that makes three stage performances in seven days for me! How very strange it is! How very lucky I am! I also feel lucky that we only have to read one play (the one we're seeing) for class this week.  Usually we read about 3 plays and 2 academic articles per week, so this feels like time off.

I should be off to work in a few minutes.  I'll clean up my French toast and cuddle my cats first, though. Okay, see you!

Katie

Supernatural

I have to write a paper. I am avoiding it a little bit.  It's okay.  It's nothing. 2-3 pages.  That is like taking a shower (...right?) No big deal, I say.

But you know what I'm liking right now? I'm liking this song called "Supernatural" by King. Oh yes I am.

Maybe I can be supernatural.

Maybe I can write about how Harold Pinter is such a Modernist. Maybe I should write about the intersection of politics and art. But honestly... 

In other news....

Last week I went to the bank to change my name on my account, and today I got my new ATM card and it has my old/wrong name on it. Silly bankers. No thankers. It's okay, I'm groaning for you, reader. I know that rhyme was bad.

But it might just be better than this paper I'm about to write.  Nah. This will be okay.

Everything is gonna be

oh

k

Pep Talk

Take charge!

You can do it!

Know your power!

Fight on!

Do your best!

It will be okay!

Taking Heart

When Rachel is in my dreams, I take it for granted that she is alive in my dreamscape.  Last night in my dream I went to pick up Rachel at her newish address on Jeff Street. She had lived there for a while, actually, but I hadn't been there before. Clement, O'Farrell, Bush, Jeff.  My mom and I walked through the surrounding neighborhood. One house had a Spanish-style courtyard out front, with a wrought-iron chandelierish thing hanging, and lots of wisteria-like purple flowers draping across in all directions.

In my dreams of Rachel, she and Hannah and I have sat on the floor, in front of long mirrors, putting on makeup and talking.  She's sat at the table among us.

The other day, I saw "SK" in large letters on some junk mail, and it triggered memories of when we'd go to get donuts. Rachel liked maple bars and I never did. It's nice to have someone to eat your maple candies. Or whatever candies aren't your favorite.

I still have lip balm from her and the perfume she used to wear. 

Rachel was my original strong female role model.  Maybe I was thinking of her in my dream to help myself take heart and keep my wits about me.  Life is good (thank goodness), but a little busier lately that the past few weeks have been.  Some extra heart and strength would be good right now.

The Sillies

I use swipe-style typing on my mobile. This means strange errors. Excuse them/me plz/please. Do you like peas? Did you just sneeze? Coming into Los Angeleez?

It was a morning of cats. Vet appointment, vaccinations, and I've got two little fiddles. Cats as fat--I mean kits as fit as  fiddles. I asked if Sola is overweight wince she is much bigger than Lady Lu, but Dr Vet said she is fine, maybe just part Maine coon.

I rearranged my apartment.
Got a chiropractic adjustment.
Thought about words that end in -ment like that.
Recruitment
Refreshment
Resplendent
Jk

Also thought
Of an
Extraordinary
Vocabulary
Of solitary
_____ ?!

Ummm okay

When the sillies or giggles come over me
And its already later than 10:23
It probably means I am overtired
Loopy
About to sleep deeply freely creepy sleepy droopy weary bleary coolly silly
sorry
wordy
but pretty fun
For late night typing

Oh

When I was at the chiropractor, that song "soak up the sun" came on the radio and she said, I think, "I don't have digital" and I couldn't remember what that had meant at the time... Digital cable? I was

I wonder how long it will be until the phrase "digital cable" will cause reasonably savvy kids to wonder what it means. Isn't all cable TV digital now? Will people be confused about the meaning of "cable" as a cord versus a content platform?

I can't let this thought keep me up at night. That would just be ridiculous. It might be nonsensicalifornia, actually.

Okay, bye.
Katie

A couple thoughts that are not about cats

Labor Day was good.  Part of me was like, HOMEWORK but the other part was like, popsicles and TV. So I did both. Ate a popsicle and read Cloud Nine, and ate a popsicle and watched Family Tree.   

Family Tree is a funny show, and the protagonist has an Irish accent, which made me want to speak in an Irish accent. Imagine me goin' around tinkin' me toughts all Oirish. Not all of them, but enough to amuse meself. I've learned that this show will not have a second season, which saddens me a bit but it's for the best in terms of minimizing my distractions in life.

I want to be a good scholar, but this is a full time job, and I already have a full-time job.  Thus, I am a part-time scholar.

Well, I better get back to it.

Love,

Katie

 

Lunita

Sola, do you like the stick? She's chewing on a stick.

Luna, do you love humanity? She is meowing, begging like a dog, wanting my spaghetti. She is obsessed with trying to smell my dinner. Whatever, cat.

Here is a glamour shot of my girl, Lady Lu:

And her mid-yawn snarl (with photo credit to Ryan):

Superlatives

-st/-est

The kittiest cat
The katiest b
a suite on the street
with some sweet ice tea
the shortest s.t.
the best way to be

The coolest, hottest,
nearest forest: the best for rest
for the blueberriest
(in the Far East ingest
the lychee-est).

The furthest fur
forgets to purr.

The worst ware breaks
with the least wear, takes
the most care.

The latest latte
was the littlest--
and the last.

Request RE Contact Information

Dear Friends and Family Members,

I have a request. Would you please text me or email me your phone number?

When I got a new phone, my contacts didn't sync. I've been an Android user since December 2012 and never had this issue while I was on Verizon... then I switched to T-Mobile, got a new phone, and no more contacts.  I think they must have been stored on my Verizon sim card...

I had re-connected with a couple people, and saved a few numbers into my phone over the past few weeks... but I was certain this dearth of contacts was some mistake, and I could have all of my contacts back if I just changed some settings, so I did a factory reset on my phone. Well, this didn't solve the problem--it only erased the few contacts I had saved in the last few weeks.

Anyway--would you please text me, and tell me who you are?  Chances are, if you haven't texted me in the last two days (since Tuesday the 26th), I don't have your number.

Thank you in advance for getting in touch with me.

Very best,
Katie

Rose from my love

Ryan sent me this today. :)

Floral Handles

My mother made these drawer pulls for me a few years ago. They had been stored somewhere inaccessible to me, but I now have them back in my life. I'm thankful to have them back. I love them. Thanks, Mom.

I Do Too

Difficulty starting
Difficulty focusing

Get going
Get on a roll
Get messages out
Get messages back
Get ahead

Qualify
Specify
Clarify
Simplify
Intensify
Solidify
Modify
Identify

Difficulty stopping
Difficulty breathing

Take a breath
Take a minute for lotion
Take a sip

Have a pastry
Have a hug
Have some water

Take a walk
Take a break

Have a talk

Difficulty explaining
Difficulty understanding
Difficulty finding the words

Have mercy
Have lunch
Have drinks

Accomplish
Distinguish
Wish
Publish

Try a Little Tenderness, or, Potentialities

The Title

Process. Unsure of a title for this blog, I gave it two, a fitting compromise to actually choosing. This structure includes "potentialities" in the main title while also suggesting it as a subtitle, and as a theme rolled up into tenderness, because doesn't love create possibilities?

Possibilities. I was also considering naming this entry "Ladies if you love your man, show him you're the flyest" because it reminds me to do my best and be my best, flyest self that I want to fling into the open, showing off, with the sun on my face, and the possibilities of morning before me--and because, Beyonce, duh.

Decision. But I went for the Otis Redding title, given that all I wanted today was to listen to Otis Redding, and I'm finally fulfilling that dream now, listening to The Very Best of.

The Gravity of the Situation. This is my 50th post on this nonsensicalifornia space. 50 posts is not too bad in five months, no? Also 50 is the atomic number of tin. Oil can... Gotta get some more heart. Okay? Take heart. Be heartened. It will all be okay.  But what I mean is, let's celebrate! Woooooo 50 yeah!!!!!!

Transition. I'm going all Laurence Sterne on this post--sorry folks. Cliff notes for the curious: Sterne was an author in the 1700's whose "style is marked by digression and amplification" -wikipedia


Health

Vegetables. I'm eating green beans, raw and crunchy. When it comes to vegetables, tenderness can be overdone. What if we remade "Try a little tenderness" as "Try a little crunchiness" with everything the opposite, but really it was just about how, seriously, let's all just eat our vegetables. Anyone want to work with me on such a PSA? Kidding. I don't really want to do that.

Retinal Scans. I saw the eye doctor today and elected to get a Retinal Scan. I capitalized this so you remember it and do it too. It was so cool! It is a procedure that replaces dilation and allows the patient to see their eyes in fancy detail too. It takes a 3D photo with a green flash of light, so the picture is all greens and pinks, not gross reds and pinks, and you can see the retina and nerves, and any vitreous floaters which you may or may not have (I have one). Believe me, you just have to try it. It was $39 out of pocket but totally worth it.

Hormones. Being a woman is really awesome because things I would be nervous to say at one point become totally easy to say because there's that point where the wave of emotions sinks so low and then swells up so fast you have to just say what you're feeling.  I'm feeling good right now--probably because I was able to address all of my feelings.


Obvious Points

Communication solves hella problems.
Friendship is the point.
Gratitude improves almost every situation.
Tenderness can dissipate distractions.


Potentialities

Maybe I sweep the floor again.
Maybe I wipe clean the surfaces again.
Maybe I just crawl into bed.
Maybe I organize.
Maybe I pet my cats.
Maybe I stay sitting here, listening to Otis.
Maybe I stretch a while.


Okay then. 

Goodnight.
Katie

Class Starts Thursday

So excited to discuss these!

Frustrations Tempered by Gratitude

I'm playing Chopin and in come the crickets.
I mean it. I stop to kill them.
I don't care about bugs
though I care about life
but I kill bugs because I hate them.

I hate the nightmares of insects in my bed
thousands of bugs under the covers,
these nightmares that haunted my childhood.

And my cats catch the bugs and kill them.
I've got paper towels and
frustration
and I'm tired.

Dinner wasn't good enough again,
I spent too much time on Instagram
but at least there was Beyonce.

Thank God for Beyonce.
And oranges.
And popsicles.
And cats.

The electric piano.
The quiet.
The flowers: yellow daisies, orange roses.

Thank God for the toaster
gathering dust
upholder of the American covenant of easy Breakfasts

--except for the days I had no breakfasts,
the nights I barely slept, for hunger--
Thank God those days are over.

Thank God these days I'm smarter.
Thank God, these days I'm stronger.

Strong enough to know my limits

What am I talking about? Are you wondering?
What I mean is: self-respect should only grow.

And if it didn't, I'd be an idiot.

Teaching? Dreaming.

Today, I feel a calling a teach. It's the end of Summer, and, as tired as I was of schoolwork in May, I miss being in the classroom.  I'm taking just one class again this semester--Studies in Dramatic Literature--and it meets for the first time on Thursday, the 28th. I've ordered my books, I've got my favorite pens, and I'm ready to discuss symbolism.

I do love my job. Maybe I can teach a night class once I finish my Master's degree.  I also think about continuing my education beyond that and earning a PhD in rhetoric and composition theory. But when would I have a family?

Sometimes I hear stories of women who went to graduate school while working full-time as a single parent to multiple children.  There are truly amazing women out there.  Sometimes, I find this inspiring.  Other times, I feel like I cannot be one of them. I'm not great at multi-tasking, and I don't want to half-ass something I love.

When Ryan and I started dating, he pointed out that I tend to feel overwhelmed when I look too far ahead, and feel calm when I focus on the present.  So this is my reminder to myself: I am on the path I want to be on.  I still have options before me, and I don't have to make tough choices quite yet.

I just hope I choose what's best when the road forks before me.

Good Morning

The ladies had baths last night. I think they are still mad at me about it.

Cat Thoughts

I think I told you this wouldn't be about cats, but I changed my mind.

I used to be allergic to cats. My parents had a cat when I was a baby, and then when I was in fifth grade, a cat in the neighborhood moved in with us.  From that point, they pretty much always had at least one. As a kid, my allergies to cats would be okay as long as I washed my hands after petting them (which I still do), and didn't stick my face in the cat.

But when I went away to college and was no longer exposed to cats, whatever immunity my body had built up dropped off entirely.  When I'd visit my family, I would be all sneezes, then all Benadryl.  My niece would want me to play with her, and I'd be loopy/sleepy from the medication, like, lemme just lie down…

My Life in Cats changed when I met Gandhi, the sweet kitty friend of a friend.  He is my friend Rachel’s cat.  And even though I was very allergic to cats, sneezing like crazy, I would still go hang out with my friend Rachel on a regular basis, bringing Benadryl and tissues, and sneezing away while we’d hang out and cook and watch TV or whatever.  Within a year, I realized I’d stopped sneezing.  Rachel and I moved in together, and I could pet Ghandi without sneezing!  I was no longer allergic to cats.

Fast forward two years, and I’m living on my own and decide to adopt some kitties of my own: Luna in September 2013, then Sola three months later, that December.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend is allergic to my cats.  When we came back from visiting family in the Bay Area this weekend, he could barely breathe and had to leave pretty much as soon as possible.

We had talked about what would change when we live together, but the conversation changed. Reset. "Rethink everything."  When I put my Rational hat on, it is an easy conversation, because health/breathing is #1, and I'm not going to let his allergies keep us apart.  But without the Rational hat, I'm fearful.  Indoor cats have an average lifespan of 12-20 years, whereas outdoor cats live only 1-5 years. They die fast out there. And I'm still in the apartment stage of my life. I'd love to live in a house... but I don't think I'm quite there yet.

So we will need some kind of compromise. The boat has rocked and I've tried to settle it, but my brain is still swishing, dizzy, unsettled.

HBS

No, not Harvard Business School... Happy Birthday, Sola!  She is 1 year-old today and all grown up.

Hella Big Saturday coming up--Ryan and I are heading up to see mi familia and
Have Barbequed Salmon

Heard a biographical secret
heard between silences

Holy books solve
hovering bee songs

Have barnacles Stuck?
How 'bout stickers?

Hips been shakin'.
Honestly. Beyonce still.

Hesperia? a bit south.
Honks bristle streets
honored by slowness.

Hunks of beveled silver:
my hungry blues song

Hamsters bopping, sopping
Hiking, bending, stretching,

Horse, bronco, songbirds...
Hippo, bison, smartypants.

like Hannah's been saying,
and a hundred bright sonnets--

Humankind: be silly!

Ryan took these photos yesterday. I like them.

Happy Birthday, Sola.

And here is a baby picture--barely two months old:

And then around four months old, the floppy explorer:

Awww.

I know we've seen a lot of my cats lately.  I'll show you something else next time, okay?

Love,
Katie

The Cats Say Hi

Sola usually stays away from the bed. I think this is because it is Luna's territory. Luna sleeps on the bed every night.  But this morning, at 5:30, Sola was lying on my foot, pacing across my hips, slumping over my shoulder... she just wanted to go outside, but of course, I ignored her. I am not going to reinforce that behavior!

Anyway, after her eventual jaunt through PlantLand, she came back inside to make sure I was brushing my teeth safely. What a sweet girl. And Luna was a little grumpy... glaring.

An Upside Down Candle to Support the Scandal

For real, sitting at my kitchen table, I've flipped a jarred candle over and used it as a stand for my cell phone, on which I'm watching Scandal, the television drama by Shonda Rhimes.  Well, not presently.  Presently, I'm on my lunch break at work.  The past week or so, though, Scandal over breakfast, Scandal as I wave around the cat toys for my cuddly predators, Scandal after I tuck myself in for bed.  I still have about 25 episodes I haven't seen yet.  I understand that Season 4 starts on September 25, so I've got some time with that; however, classes start in two weeks.

Last year I did the right thing and cancelled my Netflix account when school began.  That's how it goes.

I'm also still (somewhat obsessively) planning and imagining a future family. I think three kids would be good. I imagine a daughter with very long hair. I've daydreamed my way through walks, and practiced difficult conversations we will need to have, worked out phrasing I will forget about in fifteen years. But she doesn't exist yet, so it seems sort of pointless, an exercise in imagination that will have limited exposure on this blog.

That's part of the reason for my radio silence. I guess my thoughts have been a bit too personal to share on the wide-world-of-web lately.

What's new?

On Friday, my boyfriend asked if I wanted to go to Las Vegas for the weekend, and I explained that I would love to, but I have to do laundry and I'm not fully prepared to get married this weekend, and he said, "No, not to get married, just to visit."  OH RIGHT. Haha. And then he offered to do my laundry and clean my apartment for me.  Since he works from home now, he can do that kind of thing. See how easy it is to let my heart get ahead of my head?  *sigh*

This summer has kept a level of humidity and heat that seems unusual.  It is my first summer living in this valley, but I was only living 30 miles west before that, and summers are usually dry here in Southern California.

We had a great time in Las Vegas.  We didn't even get close to the Strip, which I appreciated, since I'm generally not feeling the sloppy-drunk-people scene. Instead, Ryan and I hiked around Red Rock Canyon and visited with his friends who live there. We left early on Sunday morning, and lounged around my apartment for the rest of the day.

We're going to hear some jazz tonight in his neighborhood... I'm excited about it, but part of me is also like, but then I can't watch Scandal!  Talk about #firstworldproblems.

Anyway, here is a photo from our trip to Red Rock:

Thanks for visiting, and see you next time. 

Yours,

Katie

Tuna

On Friday night, Ryan and I were eating sushi when we decided that instead of seeing a movie, we would drive to the mall to shop. A friend's birthday party was the next day, and I determined that we should get her some nice fish towels from Williams Sonoma or Sur le Table or something. Oh, I mean dish towels. That was an auto-correct keeper (I'm blogging from my phone, one-finger typing while eating my salad left-handed).

The local mall doesn't have these fancy kitchen stores ("What?? Really? " I thought. I know. I'm so spoiled) so we drove across town to a mall new to us, where the Google foretold we would find the fancy dish towels.

I was feeling all silly, in love, navigating and looking out the window at a jewelry store with tacky painted windows when I had a silky thought I had to share (silky = silly; thank google keyboard).

"Ryan, what if the navigation said TUNA left instead of TURN left?!"

"Tuna left? Where'd she go?" Hahaha. I love this man.

And the fish towel mission was successful.

Hey Okay, So.

"So" is my nickname for Sola the kitten.  When I say, "Okay, So,"  I wonder if she thinks I'm saying, "Oh, Queso," my little cheese!

Ryan just sent me this and I had to share it. I'm smiling so big looking at her fluffiness and her little white paws o'er the walls o' Cat Tower.

Well

Today I am feeling well. I have these organic blueberries that are monstrous in size and bold in flavor--a rare combination unless it's July!

I have been trying to figure out my whole life, i.e., plan for my future.

Sometimes I think grad school is just too much work right now when I want to have a family. But I don't have a family yet, duh, so on we go through the classes.  But if I do get married and have kids before I reach the 30 units I need to complete the program, that is okay with me.  The units can wait a few years.  Kids might not.

Being in school while I'm working full time is tricky. It is hard. It is a great experience for me to help me empathize with others who do this.  Having little time for myself will be good preparation for when I do have kids!

It can be stressful to juggle work and school, because I want to excel in both realms in my life. Actually, "I want to" is an understatement.  That is not the type of student I am. It is not how I function. I must excel.

This post is going through my head on a regular basis.  I have already shared these feelings with several people in my life.  I think the tricky thing is just waiting and refocusing my vision on the present.

The two cats are outside.  In my sink are two bowls, two spoons, an empty tea cup.  My hair is damp and I'm barefoot, but besides that, I'm ready to go.

Off to work then.

xoxo
Katie

Dishonesty and Cooking Problems

I wrote this on Sunday and it didn't publish.... here it is, a little late.

I haven't been entirely honest with you.  There have been some problems this year, but I have learned from them more quickly than I learned from previously problems.  Because of this willingness to accept my failures, I mostly forget about them.  When issues have come up, I have been able to state my mind with a firm backbone like never before. Still, I'm far from the perfect paragon of strength.

After my last post, and continual posts which state that I am happy, I wonder if  I am sounding boastful or fake.  While nothing is terrible, everything is not perfect.

I have to tell you something funny, which was that I made dinner and it was horrible.  I was starting to like cooking, and, bolstered by confidence, added fresh rosemary and crushed garlic to salmon, which I baked. Oh my god. It was so bad.  I just had to share that failure, had to be real with you.  I've had good luck with salmon in the past; this time, I've learned a lesson, and will go back to what I know.

I didn't get into cooking very easily.  It has been a rocky road, full of disasters. Then I read The Art of Simple Food by Alice Waters and started believing in myself and getting excited about salad.  That book truly changed my life.

Three thousand times whattt

My brain is scatterbrained. See already, the word Brain here and there, in three pieces in two sentences.

Makes me think of middle school. The scene: a band concert. I played the flute. Tweet tweet tweet so swee--ee--eet.  It was a concert, and my Grandpa Ross came, which I loved.  After our performance, he pointed out to me, in the bulletin/program thing, that the principal's name could be anagrammed as "Brain Danger" which was a happy bit of irony that I also loved.

Funny how a word, an organ, gets attached to a memory from 16 years ago, and sticks.

Speaking of middle school, I saw my bff since 7th grade yesterday. Lindsay and I got manicures, had lunch, walked around the mall, laughed, caught up, and laughed. I don't think anyone in the world makes me laugh as hard as Lindsay does. Maybe Ryan. I think it's a tie.

Sola loves twist ties. Straws. Hair ties. Pieces of tan bark. I had bought some cat toys when she was a kitten and just threw them away because she doesn't care about them if she can have a plastic straw. Cats are so weird--I love it!

Love. 2014 is the best year ever! I love it so much. I have even read 11 books already this year, in six months. Not a record, but I feel good about it. Shoutout to the 118--couldn't have done it without you! Yes, I'm talking to a freeway. The app called Audible has really helped me on my commutes. Since I spend at least 90 min in the car per day, it's a good time to soak up content before I get home and start the food-cookin', dish-cleanin', cat-pettin', man-enjoyin' fun times of day to day living.

I was putting in my contact lenses yesterday morning and started giggling. Ryan asked me why. I was thinking of that song, "IF YOU. want to buy my flowers... just go ahead now." Laughing because, think about it. Just go ahead now.

Why do cats sleep so much?

I did my crocheting, did my giggling, my cleaning. Shit, there's a lot of cleaning to do. Why?

Why?  I'm not even a messy person. Well, maybe that is why! Haha.

I woke up at 5:45 this morning and was like, yes it is Sunday thank gooooooodness. And then got up and went running which was perfect.

hmmmmmmm

more silliness forthcoming. that is all for now.  OH WAIT except for my happiness graph--hold up.

Seriously, 26 is the best year of my life.

In other news...

I feel like poetry has been in low tide. But the tide is coming in.

Emoji Paintings

Collage, 2014.

My Brain is Wider than the Sky

I wonder what this blog would look like to someone who doesn't know me. 

All I do is look at my cats, listen to pop music, eat vegetables, and fall in love?

Hey, I also listen to Nina Simone! I clean my house a lot. I feel like I am constantly sweeping the floor. The litter box spills and I cannot handle things sticking to the bottom of my bare feet. Clean surfaces. Deep breath. Wow, that little meditation just made me feel really good!

I spend a good deal of time driving and listening to audio books.  I also read print books and travel in the car as a passenger. I imagine living with my man and what life will be like when we have a family together. 

And with that, this blog is fully representative of my life. Time will reveal how true that is.  I guess I can always talk about the past.  Life wasn't always this way, but I sure do like it!

I wish there were some good emojis on here! I really do like telling pictorial narratives via text message with emojis.  It is one of my favorite late night pastimes. I will share one someday.

The title of this blog post is from the Emily Dickinson's poem. If you didn't already know that, please google it immediately (I plead-iately).

Last night I dreamed I accidentally came to work in my shabbiest sweatpants. It was ten minutes until the department meeting, and I had to tell one of the executive managers that I needed to go shopping and would be late for the meeting... When I woke up this morning, I put on a pencil skirt, which is almost as far away from sweatpants as possible.

Except this skirt is stretchy and cozy!  

Okay, see you later insulator.

ktb

The Mystery of the Grapelid

I've been playing Scramble with Friends a lot lately--do you know this game? It is essentially a timed-word search competition. What I want to know is: why isn't grapelid a word? Excuse me, I need a new hammer because my grapelid broke my old one.  Have you seen the new grapelid? On shelves this summer.

I've got the sillies. Raffi says to shake the sillies out, but tonight, I shake them out of my fingers.

One image that has stuck with me in a powerful way is from the end of Beauty and the Beast. Spoiler Alert! The beast turns into a human--but as he does so, he levitates, and light shoots out of his fingertips.  This is the way I feel sometimes, and this is the way I feel now--floating with light shooting out of my fingertips.

This is a natural reaction to the combination of caffeine and falling in love.  I am still always falling in love. Still with Ryan of course!  He is silly; I am silly. I could run around willy-nilly, desultory, but then he keeps me grounded.  Calls me out and holds my hand. Smiles and jokes back instead of rolling his eyes.

I haven't decided what I think grapelid means. Do you know what it means?  I just know that when I played scramble one day, I was like, man, that's it. That is the next word I need to learn. But it wasn't the next word I learned.  The next word I learned was nadir, which means low point. Lowest point.

Today my friend Carrie was there for me when I needed her fashion advice. In fact, she has always been there for me when I've needed any advice.  Today I asked her about how to wear high-waisted pants well. She told me that the point of them is to accentuate the length of the legs, so it's good to wear a top that doesn't make the pants lose that effect. Or belt one that would have done that!  I consider this advice to be sound.

I  bought high-waisted trousers on my lunch because the pants I had worn were uncomfortable, which I had forgotten. It was a throw-on-clothes-and-run-out-the-door morning, but in a good way. I love sleeping!

Waisted is not a word, it tells me. Grapelid is not a word, it tells me. BUT THEN WHAT IS THIS?

High-waisted grapelids, my friends.

With a bow,
Katie

What if there was a bow for your hair that was shaped like someone bowing down?  It would be a bow bow. You could put it on your elbow, climb a tree, and sit on a bough. Then you would have an elbow bow bow on a bough.

Just sayin'.

Christina Aguilera

Lip syncing at my desk all day!
"I think we're on our way!"

All day.

On my Ten

This weekend Ryan and I will be seeing Janelle Monae at the Hollywood Bowl, and going out to dinner at The Wine Bar there in celebration of his new job.

Yesterday I visited my cube neighbor (NP who sits next to me at work) and said, "I just have to say... I am so happy. I love my boyfriend. I am so thankful for him."  It is just fun.

Recently I had a hard time physically and emotionally.  I felt like I was exhausted for almost two weeks.  Going to bed as soon as I got home.  But whatever that was, I am over it and feel well now.  I was thinking yesterday how nice it was that Ryan was there for me through all of that. He even did my dishes for me all weekend! He gets the "exceeds expectations" rating all around.

How much can I write here on a ten-minute break?  Well, I can tell you that I am still listening to Beyonce and John Legend nonstop.  The kitties are doing well, and are as cute as ever. I keep waking up with cat toys on my bed, and Luna meowing like come on, mama.  Sola is still obsessed with the bathtub and with going outside, where she hunts flies. And eats them. That is so gross. I try to just laugh, but seriously, ew.

I'm going to do some beading and crocheting this weekend, I think. Some walking, hiking, smiling, and breathlessness on some sun-sweating mountain.

Getting this in to your head to you can so you can sing along with me and Janelle on Sunday:

Happy Birthday to Snip 4!

Violet and my mama baked some beautiful cupcakes today in celebration of Snip 4, beanie baby cat, who is 5 today.
I had to share!

What a Week!

I'm tiiiiired.

Katie's World of Infinite Vegetables

Some days I think, "Shoot, I bought too many vegetables."  NAH AH. 

It was one of those days. I had gone away for the weekend, and came back to my refrigerator with the overwhelming question: What is for dinner?

When I can successfully answer this question by cooking my own food, I am proud of myself.  I am still new enough at considering myself an adult that these little achievements are like jewels on a bedazzled jacket--each one saying more about me. Before I get carried away: to say I define myself by my cooking would be an overstatement. I just feel in my heart that mastering this basic aspect of caring for myself is a milestone.

Gosh, I haven't even had my main course yet.

What I am eating is corn and red cabbage, sauteed with butter, salt, and pepper. So simple, sweet, and tasty. This is why I am so happy in this moment. I am grateful for corn. I am grateful for cabbage. 

And omg, butter, yes, obviously.

Steamed green beans have been in my life this evening.

I'm also makin' a split pea soup.

When I was a kid, I was not interested in cooking. I just wanted to read, and my parents took care of that. We just set the table sometimes, and helped with the dishes. Gotta give mis padres lots of credit for that. They've done a hell of a lot of dishes too!

Luna keeps jumping on the table to try to sniff at my corn-dish. I say it all the time, "No cats on the table!" but she isn't very good at English yet. Ryan pointed out to me, that she does know her name. Which is SO cute.

Back to  bbbbbbbbbbbbtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh=========nttttttttttttttt5we:??#]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

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That message was brought to you by the Luna the Cat.  I want to tell you all about my weekend, but that will have to happen tomorrow!  Dinner is just about served.

My relationship with food has never been so good.

Woman Smiling with Salad

I am so grateful that someone created the blog of Women Laughing Alone with Salad.  This is my contribution to the important subject.

This semi-smile is all I could mustard jk muster, because I actually had my mouth full when I was taking this picture. 

#unnecessary

Sola, no.

But this is also sort of adorable.

Cats, Peonies, Artichokes

I like when the cats can't stop moving, then look at me and freeze, like I caught them red-handed, in the empty paper shopping bag on the floor.

Sola is fascinated by cut flowers. I've been buying them and bringing them to work since she badly wants to tear them apart.  Yesterday I bought pink peonies, tight spheres. This morning, they've opened up to the idea of opening.

I am going backward in time. Last night, I cooked two artichokes. I had tried once, unsuccessfully, to cook one by boiling it. I think I just took it out too soon. Last night, equipped with internet assistance, I steamed two purple artichokes in water with garlic, lemon, and a bay leaf. Ate it with veganaise. Oh, and also with rice and salad and fish.

First Weekend in June

I want to use adjectives to describe my weekend to you, but I won't. I think at the end of this, you will know.

Friday night, Ryan and I stayed in, made dinner, and watched a movie… lazy Saturday morning: granola with blueberries, dancing around, silly.  Errands to run: off we went to Third and Fairfax!  We rode the bus, which was an exciting adventure since I had not taken a bus in Los Angeles before (San Francisco, sure). Inside, the bus was clean and new, solid bright yellow with patterns of deep blue.

Outside of Whole Foods, I read the graffiti on the green-painted wrought iron. "Neckface" someone wrote. The fence is full of jasmine. Everywhere is full of jasmine! I turn around--I'm smelling jasmine. My lotion, my windowsill, the grounds around work: jasmine (jasmine. Jasmine.  Jasmine! I hope you like jasmine too!)

We went into Whole Foods for lunch, but prior (and despues), I had a fun time with the lotion samples. I had run out of purse lotion, so I became a bergamot jasmine. A fragrant fig of Egyptian musk!  Wash hands again.

I have to say, since I grew up in a family sensitive to fragrances (sister and Papa with allergies), and I am not allergic to fragrances, I sometimes feel there is no greater luxury than to coat myself in so many scents that I become a giant walking blossom with layers of aroma.  Unfortunately, the grocery store is not the place for this, and lunchtime is not the time for this, so I washed it all off and had some lunch.  Potato salad, brussel sprouts, grilled mango with blueberry coulis, ginger lemonade.

Laundry Interlude

On Sunday we went to the SAGE company picnic, a lovely event with free fun things, like cotton candy and face painting. Wholly enjoyable. I was craving onion rings, though, so Ryan and I bounced around 2:30 and went down to Neptune's Net.  The place was packed and we had our food within ten minutes of ordering. Great job, guys!

We drove down to the Malibu Country Mart to wash the grease off our fingers. We walked around the plazas for some time.  I got a trinket and a trifle at a little shop, which I can describe in more detail on another date. I gave myself a half hour writing limit tonight and the details will be better later.

Ryan bought gelato for us. The flavor I chose was "pompelmo" which I thought had to have meant "pomelo" but was advertised as "pink grapefruit." Is "pompelmo" Italian for grapefruit?  They taste too similar for me to know what was going on, but I liked the experience.

We walked across the street and ate our gelato by the lagoon. We laughed and laughed. I don't know how anyone can know me so well that I will laugh that much. But Ryan does that. *swoooon*

The sun dropping lower, it was time to head back through the canyon, but my windows were dirty; my gas tank, empty: Shell fill-up and carwash here we come!  We were behind a gray Mercedes that was about to enter the car wash when Ryan honked and got out. He closed the gas cap on the Mercedes as the man got out of his car and thanked him. The man looked at me and said, "You've got a really good guy here!"

"I know!" smile smile sigh

When we got out of the drive through, the man knocked on my window, and said, "Can you do me a favor and buy this fine gentleman a martini?" and handed me a $20.

"Well, okay, sure, thank you!" I said. And we did just that. Ryan knew of a fancy place on the PCH (Malibu Beach Inn… I think?) with a little restaurant right on the water, and we sat and ate some shrimps. The waiter brought a blue blanket and put it across my shoulders. A fire pit ten feet away, five feet wide.  The water, blue, the Sunday quiet.

We drove back through Topanga Canyon. We snuggled with the kitty cats when we got home.

"How was your weekend?" The usual adjectives don't do the trick this time.

Full of all this love and happiness,
Katie

Little Goals for the Summer

After the weight of a busy busy to do list over the past couple of weeks, here is a to do list of fun things for the summer that will be more relaxing than taxing:

• Go to the 
• beach!
• movies!
• Hollywood Bowl!
• desert!
• forest!
• Aunties and Uncles!
• Make
• a blanket!
• wind chimes!
• songs with dances!
• mango sticky rice!
• Read
• poems!
• novels!
• my bookshelves!

You know what? I'm on my lunch break, and someone just brought hella cookies to the coffee break area. I just had a

.

• Make
• madeleines!

To do, tada! A totally different view.

My to-do list took over my life the past couple of weeks. That's okay... productivity is one of the best things ever.  Sorry, friends, for the radio silence, and thanks for checking back in!

I feel I'm full of paradoxes. I'm a herd of paradoxen
wondering when I'll find the phlox in
bloom.
Do oxen eat phlox in the meadow?
Is that my lotion smudge on the window?

I feel the paradoxes like this:

Cold sweats. I googled today, "feeling hot and cold at the same time." Cold sweats. duh. I'm like, sick again, or something.  Working really hard makes me feel calm and peaceful, then I'm like whoa, then I feel good that I did work. First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is.

Rapid cycling. Avid recycling. Bananas. High-heels and tarmac: hiking. An inkling of focus, a crinkling of locusts. Not locusts, crickets. A bike walking: it's crickets.  Blinking, thinking, sinking. Winking. Wink wink! But at least I'm not drinking. Bring it on home, Amy, Wake up Alone: "stay up clean house, at least I'm not drinking. Run around just so i don't have to think about thinking... "

No, but for real, I decided--happy hours everywhere and not a drop for me to drink. I notice that even one glass of wine has me low the next day. Lord knows I have no reason to despair! With all my blessings, there is no fathomable place that can come from but from toxins that wear my body out too much. I can't even have a cookie without getting way too hyper then crashing an hour later. You'd think, with the amount of health articles I read, I would have some really specific terms for this.  All I can say is, it just seems like every other time I eat something, I start to feel weird.  "All I can say." Ha. Who am I kidding? I always have more to say!

On the last day of class, the teacher brought grapes, and I felt like I got a wild look in my eye as soon as I ate three. Outbursts, trying to contain myself. Those times, it's easy--I've got the smile that will make them forgive me!

I am blessed with being self-aware in this regard, but the flip side is that I feel paranoid whenever I start to get hyper or low, I wonder, what did I eat to make me feel like this??  I also stopped drinking coffee...

My hope is that without coffee, alcohol, or sugar, and with minimal carbohydrates and maximal vegetables, I will feel better.  It pretty much has worked until I started feeling sick on Friday.  That is probably stress related though.

Oh wait, are you not my doctor? Why am I telling you this? Beats me! What I'm trying to say is that I'm fine, but I've had some spells today. That usually happens when I get sick--the little things build up more quickly, and I have less cushion of whatever it is that keeps things from getting to me. What do we call that cushion? My brain isn't working. I woke up in fog.

Moving right along. Nah, for real, I'm sharing because this is the overwhelming question of my life. How can I even out without some kind of medication?

I'm pretty sure the answer is lots of walks, and even more Beyonce.  Tell me if this doesn't make you feel better:

I wish pop music could solve all my problems.  Actually, now that I think about it, what situations' resulting moods aren't improved by a little pop music? I'm going to sleep on that one, and let you know what I come up with.

I'm sure you're all dying to read that post, but I have something even more exciting to share with you in the near term. I plan to recite some of my poems to my computer's webcam and post them on my YouTube channel.

The trouble with poetry is (this could also be its own post--or series of posts--troubles of forms, of genres, etc). Ahem. Sorry. The trouble I've had with poetry is that it's hard to get people to read a poem. But people like watching YouTube videos!

"Because you, you're the one I need, you're the only one I see... Come on baby it's you-ooo!"

Love you all.

xoxo
katie

Chocolate Chip Scone = Cookie

I feel like I am eating a cookie for breakfast!

Health vs. Toxins

Warning: I feel a rant coming on. I really hate when people say "ignorance is bliss." I'm like wtf is wrong with you? That's how people get really sick. To achieve health and avoid toxins, knowledge is power.

In what situations is ignorance blissful?  The definition of bliss is "extreme happiness; ecstasy." I get that bliss is a temporary state, and maybe it would be nice to not know the saturated fat content in a piece of cake, but is that bliss? Ignorance allows for bliss? Which then makes you feel like anchor about an hour later?

Anyway... I'm frustrated with myself for only now going to the Environmental Working Group's site, Skin Deep, which rates personal care products' toxicity levels. Turns out my "nail growth treatment" is more like a cancer growth treatment. It's going to be a trashcan-growth treatment now! I can't believe I didn't think to check on what those chemicals did. Oh well. Now I know better.

Right now I'm thinking, to hell with beauty products but I know I will find some good organic products eventually... Good thing I haven't been wearing much makeup lately--it was 100 degrees for the last week, so I drank about two gallons of water a day, and my skin cleared right up. Today it is cooler, and in the evening, I think Ryan and I will take a long walk.

I walked to Rubio's for lunch and am eating a veggie burrito, which I like, but I forgot to specify no sour cream, and no cheese.  It's hard avoiding toxins.

I just want to be healthy.

Kitty Kitty! And Cabbage.

Luna and Sola in a rare moment of cuddling. Too cute not to share!  And a love song to accompany the photograph:

I heard this song on the radio--KCRW I think--and the Shazam app notification just reminded me about it... something about it was news... whatever that means!

This week has been a little intense for me. Nothing weird happened--but my brain chemicals are adjusting to hormones or something, and then when I listened to this Sam Smith song on the way to work this morning, I actually got really teary. Like, it's so sweet.

And then I pictured playing it at my wedding, and thought about how beautiful love is... and how much more is possible with good friends because TEAMWORK RULES.

I have so much love and faith in humanity in my heart. 

Also, I had two different salads for dinner last night, and when I woke up, I felt amazing. Like I can do anything! Salad One (starring heirloom tomatoes, basil, greens, and kale) had a standard balsamic vinaigrette, while Salad Two (starring red cabbage and carrots) was, well, fancy cole slaw. 

Did you know that red cabbage is amazing for the brain? It's probably amazing for everything. Skin, eyes, energy... I love cabbage. 

Hey, by the way... while I've got your attention here, since I'm sharing my favorite song of the week--let me know about your favorite song(s) of the week, please.

This weekend is going to be terrific. Tomorrow morning, Ryan and I are going to check out an apartment together, then go to Izzy's birthday party, then go to his friend's birthday dinner.  On Sunday, I will probably make granola, and something with beads!

Steadiness and Influence

Today at work I took the DISC workshop, which identifies default behavior patterns in people.  DISC is an acronym for Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, Conscientiousness, which are drawn in quadrants. While all people have qualities in each quadrant at some point or another, generally, people have strengths that fall in just one or two.

I just pulled this little image off the internet. My star (adapted style--what I try to be, for others) and my circle (my natural style) are both on the bottom, in the middle, in section #17.  My traits are oriented within Steadiness and Influence.

Steadiness means I value stability, predictability, thoughtfulness, listening, a moderate pace, systematic work, cooperation, and sincerity. The limitations are that I can be overly willing to give, putting my needs last, and can seem indecisive when I need to take some time to figure something out. Per the workshop, when I'm stressed or in the middle of a conflict, my go-to reaction is to comply, because what I want more than anything is harmony.  If I can't do that or it isn't working, my next default is to avoid--but then it just simmers and I can explode.

Influence as a trait emphasizes sociability, and I scored nearly as high here as I did in Steadiness.  Influence means shaping the environment by persuading others. I like to be involved with other people, and make a favorable impression, with charm and enthusiasm. I love social recognition, and am afraid of rejection, losing influence, and being blamed. I can be impulsive, disorganized, and lack follow-through. But I am optimistic! Having a tendency toward Influence means that in situations of stress or conflict, I need to express myself and gain acknowledgment. I need to be heard. But I hate conflict, so my secondary reaction is to comply, or accommodate.

While steadiness is dominant, I really think my conflict style comes out more in the Influence quadrant. I am really trying to express myself when something doesn't feel right, rather than try to avoid it or go with what someone else wants.

Overall, this was a useful workshop, and I'm glad to have spent my morning there, learning about types of human behavior, and the needs and patterns that accompany those styles.

I also looked at this chart and wondered about my relationship. I think Ryan is more C/D than I am. He is very goal-oriented, likes to be challenged, and asks tons of questions, wanting facts.  He analyzes, he moves quickly, and he's all about deadlines.  Opposites do attract!

I felt very quiet at lunch time, like I had to make a lot of room in my head to lay this all out for myself and let it sink in. I think as time goes on, I'll be able to use this information to help me better see the world through other people's eyes, and adapt my communication style to meet their needs.

My New Glasses

The lenses are so thick that my legs, in my lower peripheral vision, just scared the crap out of me. I vow to become better coordinated before going downstairs! The walk upstairs tripped me out. Whoaaaa I'm at the top now? Freaky.

Stress vs Summertime

Tonight I will submit my short story revision packet to my instructor of ENGL 608: Seminar in Narrative Writing, which will conclude my first year of graduate school.  I have worked hard at school this year, and I am proud of myself.

The problem is: I know I could have worked harder. I felt like I was putting in the minimum amount of effort to get an A. Of course an A is an accomplishment but I wanted to spend more time in my studies and really delve into the material so I can work hard and make it stick. I wanted days to work each sentence, revising them perfectly. Instead, I spent time doing Other Things.

The bigger problem is: although I filled the course requirements, Other Things still felt like they slipped. My number one priority is my full-time job, and I'm not certain that it got my 100% effort this past year. I think I did the best I could, but I often felt distracted. I think if I had less time to spend on schoolwork, and more time to daydream at home, I might have been more focused in the office.

I cannot overstate the importance of increasing my focus at work. This has been an ongoing issue. I had taken some medication to help me with this, but decided to drop the dosage to zero. I need to summon the strength from within. I hope I've got it! 

So this week, I'm going to try to go easy on myself--meaning, work as hard as possible, but don't beat myself up over staring blankly at my computer screen every few minutes, imagining what I can make with beads, what I can crochet this summer, or eventually planting a garden with a three year old.

Stress can cause problems with memory, concentration, judgment, mood, temper, happiness, physical comfort, appetite, digestion, sleep, and so much more (thanks, HelpGuide).  

Here is what I've been doing to help mitigate these issues: eating breakfast before work, stretching in the morning, blogging (always makes me feel good!), taking short walks, taking deep breaths, laughing as much as possible, eating brain food that won't make me sluggish and distracted, and trying to get a good night's sleep.

I am grateful that summer vacation is here--so grateful that I'm thinking about not continuing with grad school at this point in my life. Sure, someday, it would be nice to have a Master of Arts degree in English, but it's not necessary right now. What is necessary is taking care of myself and working hard at my job. Being an excellent employee will get me further than an MA, but I'm more concerned about right now than the future. How can I care about who I will be in the future and before ensuring that I'm doing right by myself and my commitments right now?

Okay, so that is the "stress" part of this post.  Now, onto summertime!

Since I will have all of these evenings and weekends without homework, I am planning some major crochet-with-audio-book time, and also lots of time for beading and embroidery. Those are my three favorite crafts.

I also just put on some Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen because it will be like 97 degrees today, and I still aim to clock a 3:00 walk. Right now, at 7:35 am, it is 76 degrees.

Also, this summer, I am just going to read lots of books. Terri lent me The White Album by Joan Didion right as I started grad school, and only now do I feel like I will have time to finish it!  World, take note: don't lend me books unless you don't need them for a year. Sorry, Terri. I am still excited about this book! 

Time to brush my hair, etc.

With love and a peaceful heart and a deep breath and a smile,
Katie

Dreams of the Future

Grad schools is pretty cool but man I cannot wait to have time to myself to read what I want to read! And bead what I want to bead! I investigated sea glass jewelry this evening. Frosty blue, wire, shiny green, bumpy things.

This morning: languor; this evening: vigor. I languished, I viguished. I extinguished a sandwich, expanded lavish language.

I had a lot on my mind today. Thinking of moving again. Since I graduated college in 2009, I've moved nine times. I thought I would stay in this cute little apartment I'm in for at least a couple years, but since I've fallen complete head over heels, I think this lease will not be extended past September. That's okay. My strategy for moving is to tackle all the little things with little shopping bags and marathon it. I probably walk miles back and forth with small loads. I leave the heavy lifting up to stronger muscles than mine, but I still have gotten into better shape each time. Where to move? Sherman Oaks? North Hollywood? Culver City? We'll see.

What else is on my mind? It is no secret that I look forward to having a family someday--I think I've only mentioned it on this blog in every single post (I'm thinking of Christa's shirt: "Hyperbole is the best thing ever!" which she told me about when I said it would be funny to have a shirt that said, "I hate irony."). I say it's no secret, but I still feel like, maybe other people think it should be.  Am I oversharing? Anyway, I figured it's never too early to start reading up on parenting strategies.

I just finished listening to an audio book called How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. Shout out to my Mama and Papa: they never read this book, but they pretty much nailed it on modeling respectful communication. What I liked about this book is that it uses tons of examples of scenarios in which a kid is upset or doing something undesirable and the parent can help the kid adjust to a needed change.

There have been a few times when I've been out and I've seen really upset children and parents at their wits end, and think, "Do I really want this?" How to Talk has given me great confidence that I can deal with what comes my way. Plus, I've read that most parents have no idea what they're doing, but you figure it out as you go.

I'm looking forward to moments: Seeing what crazy things make a baby laugh. Seeing applesauce on the kid's face after failed attempts with a spoon. Car dancing. Practicing how to read and write. Doing art together. And I keep thinking that someday I'll have two long-haired teenage boys eating everything in the kitchen and joking around with each other. I love those boys. I have all of these moments and dreams floating through my head, and it's wonderful.  I think sometimes that there will surely be points when the dreaming is more fun than the reality. Still, I also know how good I feel when I work really hard, and when I'm doing something I love.

Those thoughts preoccupied me this morning, but when I came home, I was able to do just what I needed to do: cleaning, resting, cleaning, writing. And now, here I am, sitting in bed, smiling, yawning, good-nighting.